Family dynamics in a blended family can get confusing to outsiders. For my kids, they have extra blending to do. 
They have an older half-sister, who lives with her mom, Wendy, in a blended family a couple of hours from us. Of course, they have the four step-siblings at our house. And then they have two more half-brothers who live with their dad in another state. Yeah, try keeping all of that straight! The kids don’t usually use the distinction of “half” or “step” unless they’re trying to explain to someone how their family fits together. They just know we are all family in some way, shape or form, and sometimes, that’s all that really matters.
Knowing that maintaining a relationship with their siblings was the right thing to do after their dad moved away, even though it’s not our responsibility, Wendy and I have done our best to ensure that this is possible. Sometimes (ok…a lot of times), being a good parent is doing hard things that you might not want to do. It was awkward at first, but as the years have gone by, she and I have forged a friendship. We have grown to truly care about each other’s well-being, even outside of our children, and only want to see the best for each other. Putting forth the effort and working past the weirdness has absolutely been worth it. It has allowed our children the ability and freedom to develop their relationships with each other. We, of course, encourage them to call each other for major milestones (birthdays, holidays) – they are kids after all! But as the kids get older and start getting their own technological resources, I’m sure that they will continue to communicate outside of our parental “suggestions”.
Birthdays are a fantastic reason to get the kids together!
We recently had the pleasure to celebrate the birthday of my children’s older half-sister, M. The kids were so excited to get to see her, and especially wanted to see her reaction to her custom birthday cake made by DJ! T was on cake watching duty in the back of the car on the way to the party, and she was so serious about it!
Wendy said M would really like a kitty cake, and she would be especially happy if it was a calico kitty. This was the perfect opportunity for DJ to finally get the airbrush set he had been eyeing for a while to help him decorate the cake. This will allow him to offer additional customizations for The Blended Bakery. It does look pretty spiffy, and he was able to quickly figure out how to use it.
My favorite part of the day was seeing how much N and T look up to their big sister. You don’t get to see that on the phone, or even on FaceTime. They adore her and are always so excited to spend time with her. N even had to miss his first soccer game of the season, but he understood the priority of family before extracurricular activities. A fun time was had by all, and the cake was delicious! I think the cake turned out great and M was thrilled when she saw it. She didn’t want to eat the cat, but alas, there wouldn’t have been enough to feed everyone if we hadn’t.
Speaking of priorities…
In the week one material from our Blending Families small group, one of the topics was about establishing priorities within a marriage.
- God
- Spouse
- Family
- Work
I’m going to guess you’ve heard this before, but it’s always good to have a reminder! Things get tricky when your priorities get out of whack. These priorities are true whether you are in a blended family or not. After being a single mom for over five years, shifting my priorities wasn’t easy, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. There are probably still some days that I have to be reminded that I’m not doing life alone anymore.
As a single parent, especially when you are the primary caretaker, you have to make decisions on your own to provide the best life you can for your children. You may have to discuss things as they relate to the children with your former spouse, but you get to make all of the decisions about how to run your household. When you remarry, you no longer have to (get to!) make those decisions on your own, but it can be difficult transitioning. Remember, marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship, and you are on the same team! But giving up that control, when it has been what kept your little family going for so many years, can be a lesson in trust and teamwork. I know it has been for me.
To help us stay consistent with this, the last two years, we set aside part of our honeymoon / anniversary weekend to talk about the vision for our family over the next year and the next five years. We set goals for finances, spiritual life, physical health, etc. We later took the time to talk with our children on their level so that they also know what goals we are working towards as a family. I think this has been a big help with transitioning into a blended family. We like to do this with “family meetings” at the dining room table. We have a whiteboard in our dining room with all of our goals written on it, which serves as a reminder of what we are working towards. We also know that we have to schedule the difficult conversations (e.g. setting a budget). This ensures that we actually have those conversations instead of continually putting them off because they can be hard to work through!
Keep pushing through the difficult times…and keep your priorities straight.
Family dynamics can be challenging, even more so for blended families. Priorities might seem like they’re always shifting. I believe if you keep them in order, things will work out. Working through the awkwardness and the difficulties is absolutely worth the work when you see the love and joy on your kids’ faces as they spend time with their family (even when it’s not YOUR family) and when you meet your goals as a family.
And when it gets really tough…eat some cake.