As the parents of school-aged children, you are constantly pulled in multiple directions – recitals, programs, sports games, fundraising events, carnivals, etc. There is almost aways some “event” that your children want to attend. As a blended family, one of the extra challenges we face is that two of our children (“mine”) live with us full time while the other four children (“his”) live about an hour away with their mother and come to us on weekends, holidays, summer, etc. It seems like there’s some “event” at the school on a monthly basis, especially around holidays. As their parent, you obviously want to support them, but none of us can be everywhere all the time.

I got to thinking about how kids in blended families might feel about their parent attending school events for the stepchildren today, as DJ and I both attended “my” daughter’s 1st grade Salute to America program. She had explicitly asked us both if we would be there. She tends to shy away from being on stage, and she doesn’t know all of the kids parents yet, so I knew she would be nervous and I really wanted to be able to support her. It was first thing in the morning, so DJ and I both worked things out to work from home for about an hour before going to the program, and then went into our respective offices after the program. This was only feasible because the school is five minutes from home and because it was in the morning; otherwise, we would not have been able to attend. I know that she appreciated that we were there. She ran up to us and jumped into my arms afterwards to give me a big hug! 

But as we were leaving, I started to think about DJ and “his” kids. I know how much he wants to be a part of their lives and wants to be involved as much as he can. I know where his heart is on this issue. But for him to attend a program at their school during the work day requires him essentially taking a half day (or more) of vacation time, and if you’re a working parent, you know how precious vacation time can be. I know that must hurt him on some level, to not be able to attend all of their events. I also know that he does as much as he can, and ultimately, that has to be enough. We do our best to attend programs for “his” children that are in the evenings, and I can see how excited the kids are to see us all there supporting them. But I also know that they’re disappointed when he can’t make them. I have heard the hurt in their voice when asking if DJ attended something for “my” children. No, it’s probably not fair, but unfortunately, it is our reality at this point in time.

As they get older and potentially involved in school sports or band programs, we will have to work harder to coordinate schedules. Certainly, it’s not ideal to spend hours upon hours of our limited time with the kids in a car traveling to/from events. And the potential for conflicting schedules between the two sets of children is only going to increase, and we will probably have to attend events separately instead of as a family. Communication between the two biological parents is going to be incredibly important (which is a topic for another day). This is something that we are going to have to work through as it is important that all of the children know that both their parents love them, that they support them, and that they are proud of them. In the mean time, I think “my” kids have learned not to make a big deal to “his” kids about when DJ comes to their school events. They seem to know that could be hurtful to them (we might’ve told them that a time or two…). But it’s also natural for them to be excited about whatever their event was and want to share that with their stepsiblings. It’s definitely a catch 22 situation.

I guess the whole point of this blog is to say: do what you can do, be where you can be, and that will have to be enough. Even as the custodial parents, we can’t be everywhere our kids want us to be – I can’t always take the time off of work to attend something during the day, and sometimes we have other commitments in the evenings. But in a non-divorced home, it’s less likely that one parent might try to put a guilt-trip on the other parent if he/she can’t be at a child’s event. I’m sure it still happens, but it’s less likely. So I’m going to just encourage you – keep things positive with your kids. Remind them that we all can’t be everywhere all the time. It doesn’t mean the parent loves them any less just because they couldn’t attend the event. Sometimes, there are higher priorities – like keeping that job that pays the bills.  Don’t tell them a story about the parent loving the stepchildren more just because he/she was able to attend one of their events. Also, if you’re the custodial parent, make sure you give the non-custodial adequate notice about school events so they can have a better chance of being able to make arrangements to be able to attend. And non-custodial parents, recognize that you will have to make some adjustments to your schedule at times to be able to attend your child’s events. They need to know and feel they are a priority too.

Remember – you are a good mom; you are a good dad. You know why you did (or did not) attend a child’s event. You know how much you love your children and your stepchildren. Never feel guilty about loving them all. Just do your best. 

PS – DJ – Thank you for taking “my” son his lunch that he forgot in my car (again). I love you. You are an amazing daddy to ALL of OUR children. Because you know I wasn’t going to take it in to him. Haha.